Souless

2011-08-05T09:57:00.002+08:00

Time had passed on,
Yet here I am,
Still here.

I know I'm a disappointment.
I just...
Don't have a resolve.

Something I can't give up...
At least,
I don't have it now.

I have no shadow, for I am one who shrouded with darkness, one who cannot see that hope of light that I had been waiting for.

2011-07-11T15:41:00.002+08:00

So long since then...
Reminisces only bring regrets.

For I,
should just hold no more.
Pain no more.
Sad no more.
And speak no more.

It just doesn't matter anymore.

I thought I held on well, and I didn't.

2010-11-28T00:44:00.002+08:00

Seems like she's in her own world now.
Well, guess that's good.
Glad that one more found her happiness.
Just hope that it doesn't shatter again.

For me?
I'm just past 22 years old by 3 days.
Doesn't really bother me.
I'm just too passive.

Pathetically at times, oblivion seems to be the best cure.

2010-11-10T00:02:00.002+08:00

Seems like I gotta choose a course soon.
No, not literally.
I meant a course in life.

Been quite long since I last posted something too.
Can't say I have nothing to update...
But well,
I guess it's just ain't routine anymore.

Illusions... I hope they aren't though.

2010-10-14T19:12:00.002+08:00

I snapped.

I trust people too easily,
Perhaps it's the amount that he deserved though...
But he doubted me.

I'm sorry.
I'm not apologizing for the fault.
I just felt sorry bout this stupid situation,
This stupid circumstance.

I don't know if this time will it be a crisis, but I cannot allow anyone to betray my trust...

2010-10-05T04:53:00.002+08:00

I was really surprised,
That someone worried me that much.
Was kinda happy though.

Anyway,
Hasn't been doing much this time round.
Perhaps like what I said most of the time:
Maybe it's never meant to be so.

Ah well,
Easy for me.
Though all I can do now is just...
Wait?
I don't know.

Maybe I'll do just that.

I'm a little tired of waiting... but, what can I do with my passiveness? Answer's, nothing.

2010-09-25T23:03:00.002+08:00

Since last post,
It has been 1 month.

At lot of things happened around me,
but for myself,
Nothing yet had changed anything.

Anyway,
Just a post to rant how sick am I.
Cos I'm down with headache, fever and body ache...
All at the same time,
FFS.

Now I seriously hoped that I have someone to rely on.
Even dinner ended up as KOKA noodles.
Ughh.

Luckily it ain't taste half bad.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll be a little more courageous now.

2010-08-22T00:23:00.002+08:00

Natsu Matsuri is over.
Well, the progress that Mr. Tan and Mr. Wong expect...
Isn't that significant.

I decided a lot of things,
But there's one thing that they forgot to think bout:
What if, there is another person that had been waiting?
Then wouldn't I be wrecking it?

I don't know.
But today, I will not make any decision yet.
Perhaps a seed for the future,
But I will see how this seed will grow into...
If it blooms,
I'll accept it by all means.
If it withers,
Then it's fate.

When it involves breaking a dream of someone else, I hesitated.

2010-08-13T04:54:00.002+08:00

How insignificant....
Desire somehow always make difficult choices.
Not just to me,
But there's countless victim fallen to it.

Choices are made by human,
Yet we cannot control the wheel of destiny...
Yet we cannot endure its searing consequences...

And yet, we persist.

Fearless one are the survivor of nightmares, result of persistence: they do not exist, because no one can overcome all darkness, no one can fill the universe with complete light.

2010-08-02T03:18:00.002+08:00

Seems like my update interval is getting bigger.
But to hell with that,
Nothing much interest me anyway.

A question popped in my mind:
How do I find the right person?

Literally, Soul-mate.
I might be a little dumb on this,
But saying things like I don't like getting attached...
I'm definitely lying to myself.

Yeah,
I guess I just don't know how.
Perhaps it's my course of life.

Sometimes I wonder though,
How many people actually read these...
Well, I'd say,
Nonsensical thoughts?
Despite describing it this way...
I believe everyone have the same kind of thoughts.
Or at the very least,
They had.

If I die now,
I probably would regret for another million years in after life.

I had felt such literal isolation for countless times... yet one who I desired to be my side was never there... if this is destiny, then screw the one who spun the wheel of destiny for me.

2010-07-14T22:28:00.002+08:00

Long since my last post,
Been getting bit lazy though.

Has been working in Shang, again.
Kinda lack bit motivation though.
But oh well,
Gotta save up for both trips:
November WLS,
And December KL Trip.
Oh yes,
Also a new mac,
Or maybe desktop.

Anyway,
Nothing much had been happening...
Or at least,
Nothing much that is really worth writing into here.
Perhaps I value things differently...
Or perhaps I'm just an outcast.

After all, nothing must be revealed, and nothing must be told, as it will only bring forth chaos and unrest...

2010-06-25T18:01:00.002+08:00

Recently hasn't been doing anything.
Maybe this is how a freeloader like, lol.
Shang's not giving me any work though...
Kinda disappointed...
So I'll be switching job soon I guess.

Sorry, but I don't have time,
Neither youth to waste.
10 years plan will take effect from next year onwards.
So this will be my last half a year to enjoy.

Well,
Good luck to myself I guess.

After all these time, fate is pushing me to the limit.

2010-06-14T02:26:00.003+08:00

So many things to worry about,
And yet some fucker decided to screw me up more.
Anyway, whatever.

Someone reminded me of my dream.
Yeah, it'd been hell long,
But I never once forgot it.
A shop with my own kinda randomness.

10 years...
It's not long.
I'll make it become a reality.

I know,
It's not a big dream,
But it's my dream.

As time flies, dreams fade away... but for I, will hold mine so tightly that it'll be with me till it become reality.

2010-06-02T09:58:00.002+08:00

Early morning update.
Why?
I wanna rant.

It's not like we have no such event before right?
And how did you managed to get "not enough manpower"?
Like we'll be even doing anything if we're there.

Wasting another day,
Doing nothing but wastage.
Tsk tsk.

Alright, ranting done.

Anyway,
Recently found that GJW (Gong Jiao Wei, or Crapping),
Is really fun with a certain correct person.
Made me wonder:
Does my future wife have to enjoy crapping with me too?

I would say,
I really like to have someone like that.
Because one who could enjoy such pure joy...
Perhaps is the one that I am looking for after all.

"See, we made it: we grew old together," is something that I wanna say, after 48 years.

2010-05-29T21:31:00.002+08:00

Really pissed.
Why the hell my MSN got hacked?
Jeez,
Plain unlucky I guess.

Somehow,
I don't really understand people's reply tho.
Created an event to re-add my MSN,
But well,
There's people who are "Not attending"?

Not that I meant anything,
But it really kinda confused me a little.

But oh well.
It's their choice,
So I can't help it.

Why is that when I'm serious, people take me like a joke?

2010-05-19T19:57:00.002+08:00

Marked the end of last day in camp.
Next would be ORD...
But...

Somehow,
When I left my office,
Everything seems to be...
Nostalgic.

Perhaps I must had been crazy,
Feeling like this when it's near to ORD.
But...
I guess I just don't like changes.

After all these years...
Moving from Malaysia to Singapore...
Changing from secondary to tertiary...
Leaving tertiary and enter NS...
I really, really dislike it.

I guess that is life.

Fading past, approaching future... another change, another place...

2010-05-16T20:13:00.002+08:00

For fuck sake,
You said I'm calculative.
Calculative?
My fucking ass.

I wish to speak no more.
Say what you want,
And I can't be bothered anymore.

For so long, I'd never been so fed up. I had enough, really.

2010-05-10T17:32:00.002+08:00

Gentle eh?
Perhaps it is one of the reason.
But ultimately,
Fate plays the biggest part.

"愛してる."

I really wanted to tell someone that.
But too bad,
It never happen.

Or rather,
Never correctly.

I did all I can, because I just want you to be happy. I kept quiet, because that will bring only misery.

2010-05-03T04:01:00.002+08:00

　　　さいごの果実

探してばかりの僕たちは　鏡のようによく似てるから
向き合うだけで繋がるのに　触れ合うことはできないまま
目を凝らした
手を伸ばした

化石みたいに眠っている　開かれるのを待ち続ける
雨が降って
時は満ちて

ねぇ僕は、僕は知りたい
愛するってどんなこと?
君が微笑むと　世界は少し震えて輝いた
まるで呼吸するように　動き出した

誰も守れない僕たちは　寝静まる街を駆け出した
水になって
風になって

手に入れるために　争い奪い合えば　空しくて
僕が叫んでも　世界は何も言わずに背を向けた
まるで僕を試すように突き放した

一瞬を
永遠を
始まりを
最果てを

ねぇ僕は、僕は知りたい
生きてくってどんなこと?
僕が尋ねると　世界は少し震えて輝いた
僕に眠る真実を　いま静かに解き放つ

何所え愛の永遠？

2010-04-29T04:39:00.002+08:00

Such irony.
Messages that were meant to remain silence,
Appeared to be another omen.

Perhaps I'd said too much,
But anyway,
I guess its really up to one who thinks.

I don't control what they think,
It's all up to them.
But again,
The truth might never be reveal...
Perhaps till the day I cease to exist...

Silence is just another kind of sorrow... unspeakable sorrow.

2010-04-21T07:46:00.002+08:00

Feel like crap.
Having headache & sore throat,
Like since day before...

And it ain't getting better.

I hate to be sick, cos it felt like how the heart was during then, other than it's at some other part of the body.

2010-04-16T08:38:00.002+08:00

As expected,
Its becoming hard to overlook it.

Is it time?
I don't know.
But I'm sure that I'll still resist.

Perhaps I'm merely self-contradicting.

Yeah.. perhaps.

If only time was the critical factor since then... I'd never have become who I had to be now.

2010-04-04T01:52:00.002+08:00

Why's this blog called "Souless",
Someone asked.

Simple,
Everyday of my life,
I'm empty.
Not practically,
But I'm just empty.

What use for one who have nothing within self?

Perhaps,
Nothing matters.

Or just, nothing should have been.

Delusive expression... how real, that it's just how I had been.

2010-03-27T17:55:00.002+08:00

Ranting,
Though I hoped that I don't have to post things like this.

If you wanna tell me bout that,
Fucking tell me face to face,
Not by last min telling me this shit.
Pushing me off that way?
Fuck you.

Now I'd see your true colors,
Don't think I'll ever trust your words again.
If you didn't calculate yourself,
Don't blame it on someone's incompetency.
It's YOU,
Who did not want to listen everything.

Get the fuck off. I'm glad that I can leave this place earlier than you.

2010-03-26T09:27:00.002+08:00

Perfect love doesn't exist.
Even mutual love can receive no blessing.
Perhaps after all,
Humanity were born off selfishness.
Selflessness is probably for either:
Nobility seekers,
Or just plain dumb asses.

Whatever.
I like being a dumb ass.

雨が降る，涙の心

2010-03-25T08:07:00.001+08:00

For all who interested in the quiz:
http://quiz.ivillage.co.uk/uk_work/tests/career.htm

Food for thought... indeed.

2010-03-13T03:57:00.002+08:00

Alright.
Revising on what's on the career test:

You like working and being alone. You like to avoid attention at all costs. You tend to keep to yourself, and not interact much with the people around you. You enjoy spending time with a few a close friends. You like to listen to others, but don't like sharing much about yourself. You are very quiet and private.

Well... exactly.
I like working alone...
Avoid attention...
Keep lotsa stuffs to myself...
Not much interactions with people around me...
Ha, more than 85% correct.

--------

You are very practical, and only act after thinking things through. You don't like being forced to answer quickly. You have to evaluate the situation completely. You make decisions based on what you can verify with your senses.

Practicality... Yeah, very true.
Again, more than 85% true. O.o

--------

You like to be deeply involved in one or two special projects. You like to be behind the scenes. You are very logical and fair. You feel you should be honest with others and protect their feelings.

Ha, that was an answer from the test (First Phrase).
Anyway...
The rest are quite true,
Hit around 75% this time.

----------

You trust your gut instincts. You are easily inspired and trust that inspiration. You are very innovative. You analyse things by looking at the big picture. You are concerned about how what you do affects others. You worry about your actions and the future. You tend to use a lot of metaphors and are very descriptive and colourful in your choice of language.

Hmm, probably how others look at me I guess.
But I reckon more or less it's like that. :)
I think around 80% hit.

---------

You are very creative, and get bored easily if you don't get to express yourself. You like to learn new things. You don't like the same old routine. You like to leave your options open.

Bull-eyes!!
Totally hit the mark.
Repetitive routine bores me out.
:D

--------

Overall: Above 80% correct.

Ha,
The most accurate of the test I'd taken so far.
Might be even better than some of those personality test.
:D

If only understanding of myself could have been this easy, perhaps many things could had been avoided.

2010-03-09T09:31:00.002+08:00

Very interesting.

Took some career test at a website,
and this is the exact result:
--------------------------------

You would be very happy in a career that utilised your level-headedness, and allowed you to work mainly on your own. You want a career that allows you to be creative, without having to be involved with lots of people. Some careers that would be perfect for you are:

Artist
Historian
Banker
Novelist
University Professor
Photographer
Vet
Paralegal
Graphic Designer
Online Content Developer
Webmaster
Producer
Managing Director
Nutritionist
Advertising
Nursing

You like working and being alone. You like to avoid attention at all costs. You tend to keep to yourself, and not interact much with the people around you. You enjoy spending time with a few a close friends. You like to listen to others, but don't like sharing much about yourself. You are very quiet and private.

You are very practical, and only act after thinking things through. You don't like being forced to answer quickly. You have to evaluate the situation completely. You make decisions based on what you can verify with your senses.

You like to be deeply involved in one or two special projects. You like to be behind the scenes. You are very logical and fair. You feel you should be honest with others and protect their feelings.

You trust your gut instincts. You are easily inspired and trust that inspiration. You are very innovative. You analyse things by looking at the big picture. You are concerned about how what you do affects others. You worry about your actions and the future. You tend to use a lot of metaphors and are very descriptive and colourful in your choice of language.

You are very creative, and get bored easily if you don't get to express yourself. You like to learn new things. You don't like the same old routine. You like to leave your options open.

-----------------------

I didn't know I can be having so similar result with a Pisces.
But oh well.
Maybe its not a bad thing after all.

P.S.
Oh my god lol.
My star sign PDF just said something like:
Pisces love sign is Sagittarius.

Coincidence are such amusing creation of the world we live in.

2010-03-03T23:15:00.002+08:00

Guilty for a mistake that I can't avoid.
And I must not make amend,
Cos that will only deepens the scar...

I have to move on,
To leave her behind,
So that her gaze will no longer be with me,
So that she learn to smile without me,
Or at least,
To move on without me.

No, you're not a burden. I am the burden.

2010-02-23T01:12:00.002+08:00

Taste the gambler's downturn.
Totally "omgwtf".
I think I'm not gambling for quite some time lol.
Maybe not at least for the next few months.

Anyway, treat it as a lesson.
To be honest, you might wanna guess the amount.
But...
I ain't telling it here :p
Cos it's huge lol.

Fuck, gambling is REALLY 1 win 9 lose! Maybe at least 3 win 7 lose I guess, but NO MORE GAMBLING. Burnt my finger sia. *OUCH*

2010-02-18T02:47:00.000+08:00

In the end.
Simplicity is all that matters.

Complications result in mere annoyance.

Nothing more.

Really, nothing.

Emptiness filling up the atmosphere... so, is it empty? Literally, yes, and no.

2010-02-08T04:53:00.000+08:00

Somehow,
After knowing certain incident...

I felt desolated.

Is it that I am never worthy of even a mere existence? Is it that I am never once included in the word "we"?

2010-02-04T23:51:00.001+08:00

Ok ok fine, updating already lol.
Cos I'm not dead yet,
So here's update before the 2 month's up.

Been kinda busy at work.
And yeah,
Finally met "someone's dad",
And totally he's humorous.
In fact,
He makes a better local comedian than a dad. :D

Woops,
Someone definitely wanna whack me for that.
:DD

Anyway,
Asked bout the career at MINDEF.
Navy ain't such a bad choice,
Only problem is that,
I needa get electronics related engineering diploma for qualification.

Doesn't really like that kinda stuff,
but anyway, I'll see how it goes.
After all, job isn't a thing that anyone like.

Cos, it's just a job.

Lastly,
Valentine again.
And,
Chinese new year on the very same day.
My cousins gonna bring home loads of their girl I guess.

I'll probably be a target board for those lame question again =.=

Flowing far far away... it seems that it might eventually became an "inevitable", but still, do I resist? No more of hope? No more of care? Sorry, I cannot do that.

2009-12-21T13:20:00.000+08:00

Changed a skin...
Basically I'm lazy of custom skins.
Somehow it never seems to work well.

Anyway,
Pretty long since my last update.
Yet, nothing much changed.

Yes, nothing much...

Other than perhaps,
A growing desire to be loved?

Hah,
Sounds stupid to actually come out from someone like me.
But I guess I can't help it.
After all,
I'm just an idiot.

Song of infinity... how it suits me now.

2009-11-16T01:10:00.000+08:00

Silence is getting worse.
My silence.

Perhaps I'm meant to be alone.

Birthday's coming...
And yet,
I don't feel a single thing bout it.
This isn't normal,
Is it?

Silence that came within the heart... it's wordless.

2009-11-03T00:36:00.000+08:00

Thinking it over again:
It's not that I was not given a chance,
It's me myself,
Who refuse to give any chance.

But who could I love,
Is all decided by myself.
I can't change it,
Cos it will no longer be my love.

To be honest,
I felt like a bastard.
After one fucking year,
I can't even take that into consideration.
I'm a goddamn bastard,
Really.

But it's my bastardness that given someone else a chance.
Perhaps it's good for me after all.

Who I cannot love,
Shall be loved by one who is worthy of,
Not one who love her not,
And hurt her more...

I am not worthy.

When you truly love someone, it no longer matters whether will you be with her eventually.

2009-11-01T00:43:00.004+08:00

Went for Cass' birthday celebration.
Nothing much,
Just like regular meet ups.

Found that Cass really changed a lil.
In a good way though...
Oh well,
Perhaps it's the effect of NS.

Anyway,
They're really bothering me with YJ's "curse"
Lol indeed.
According to his "curse",
The line up for each of us to get into a relationship is:
Aik Siang, Me, Cass, Himself.
Now I sorta halt the line up completely lol.

Sigh,
Easier than said.
I'm totally the kind that has no initiative...
Good luck to myself then.

After such long time... my sealed-self is coming back again.

2009-10-23T00:51:00.000+08:00

Bob passed away.
Just days before, he was giving such laughter...
Now, he's gone.

Life and death could truly just be one line across each other...
Too much responsibilities to left behind,
Too much sadness,
Too much pain.

Rest in peace, Bob.

Sadness surrounding me shaken me so much, that I felt helpless with my tearless eye.

2009-10-13T21:01:00.000+08:00

So many things happen.
And finally I made the correct choice.
It was dangerous for me tho...
If I made the wrong words....
Perhaps it could be a big mistake.

Anyway,
I'm turning into Admin post lol.
Pretty much it's the aftereffect of the audit.
Anyway, yeah, it's a good thing.
At least I don't have anymore stand by.

Complications simplified... and became complicated again. To be honest.... did it even simplifies in the first place?

2009-09-21T21:19:00.000+08:00

Fear of repetition had came true.
I am trying to defy my heart,
And I'm failing to do so.

Will I eventually fall again?

Not like that, I told myself... even though it is happening... This is, perhaps, how I am lying to myself.

2009-09-18T00:46:00.000+08:00

No particular reason for this post.
Just got the urge.

It's just another 9 months...
Long 15 months it had been.
It's just another 9 months to the end of this.
But...
I don't really know why,
I'm guessing that everyone doesn't like changes in the first place.

After getting accommodated to our life...
And certain things had to be changed...

And yeah,
The first forum that I ever stay onto,
It might be closing down on a high odds.
Too bad, I guess.
Met really lots and lots of people there...
Anyway, it's SGCafe if you guys don't know what forum is that.

Perhaps I'd changed... maturity? I'm not there yet. Wisdom? I'm nowhere near that as well... Lets just say, it's the result of a tough lesson of life.

2009-09-14T20:09:00.000+08:00

It's almost like every 2 weeks update now...
Not that I have boring life,
But rather, most of the time is fucked up,
So I rather not mention most of the details.

Better off forgetting them than remembering unpleasant stuff, right?

Anyway,
Development of my business seems to reach a short bottle neck again.
Stupid Civil Defense Day parade.
One god damn event after another,
I felt more like entertainer or coolies now.
And much more,
Not to mention the amount of discrimination,
I'd say I'd enough of where I am now...
But too bad, this damn service last for another 9 months.

Well...
At least it's just another 9 months.

In one place where you can never be yourself... if it's not for the dream, and love who I am still seeking, I'd rather die.

2009-08-22T05:20:00.000+08:00

I don't really know why,
But I just felt like blogging this time.

Watched "Clannad", along with the special episode.
Felt sad, glad, complicated, as well...
Felt that I should cherish more.

I don't really know why though,
But somehow,
Clannad had moved me quite a lot.
Perhaps from how it reflected from daily life...
I'm not sure,
But I know,
I can't waste anymore time.

At least,
I will be clear of my path.

And oh yeah,
Looks like Kyou Fujibayashi (one of the character) is the kinda girl I'll like.
Too bad it's just anime character...
Hope someone like her exist...
Well, I hope so...

Is it finally time to change? No, it's not suppose to be a question anymore. It must be so.

2009-08-03T22:05:00.000+08:00

Long, long time since my last post.
Don't know what to say much...
But well, life just turn no where that I can call as "better".

Anyway, Peiyuan got attached again.
Not surprising with who is she.
Just that, don't feel like going out along with them anymore.
Perhaps I had more than enough to that kinda feeling.

The feeling of desolation.

I don't know when,
But I started calling myself as "Desolator".
Not that I desolate stuffs, or people,
But no matter what I do,
I bound to be desolated eventually.

But, who cares?

---------------------------------
The fear of desolation, it's within me... devouring my senses...

2009-06-17T00:38:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the lack of updates.
Partially it's cos of how fuck-up is it,
I don't even feel like saying bout it.
Lets just forget all bout the shit here.

These short time,
Lots of things happen,
Yet many things changed as well...
I know, cos I did saw the change.
Many hasn't been able to see it,
It's all just because everyone else was in it,
The gradual change isn't even noticeable...
Till someone from the outer side see it...

I don't know.
I'm starting to hate things so much,
That now I can't even preserve my way of doing things,
My way of "harmony with whoever I met",
So now,
What's gonna happen?

If this is going to change me completely,
Perhaps I will no longer be myself.

Demise of darkness isn't originate from ourselves... it had been dragged out of where it belongs by people we hate.

2009-05-30T08:33:00.000+08:00

I'm pissed.
Real pissed off now.
Cos of my fucking brainless PC,
I became enemy of my platoon.
Fuck you, seriously.
Fuck you for capable of giving CONSTRUCTIVE IDEA.
Fuck you for being a shitty scared cat.
And just fuck off from my platoon already.
Such selfish intent,
Why not be a fucking fish monger?
Sell all the damn fish ya wanna sell.

So what if I don't wanna contribute a day of annual leave?
It's MY FUCKING LEAVE,
AND DON'T BOTHER TO EVEN ASK ABOUT IT.

Vanity has indeed became a common term for everyone.

2009-05-12T01:28:00.000+08:00

回头看了看，
尽是一切不堪的记忆。
最好的那一部分，
竟然是今年头才真正开始。。。

望着那蒙胧的月光。。。
总觉得寂静还是比较适合我。
或许有人觉得我搞忧郁，
但又何必在乎他人之言呢？
我就是我，
无可取代的我。

曾几何时，宁静与孤寂又成为我的一部分了？

2009-05-06T00:26:00.000+08:00

Sometimes,
I should really start to stop worrying.
Especially for others.
And much more,
I worry too much...
Probably due to my pessimistic nature, I guess.

If this is just for myself,
I guess it's still fine...
But now,
It's others that I think I'm worrying too much.
Somehow, I can't put self before others at all.
"To love someone, learn to love yourself first."
YJ told me this,
Yet, hard to the extreme for me.

Perhaps loving someone is just not for me.
At least, not now.

Loving someone isn't an option. For some reason, you wouldn't really choose who you will love... cos your heart had already made that decision for you.

2009-05-01T02:36:00.000+08:00

Think about it...
It'd really been long.
Even my sis went into a poly...
Huh,
it's a near 7 years I'd been in Singapore.

Many, many things happened...
Too many that I refuse to speak one by one.
And as well,
Somehow, I feel old now.
Must be getting on to it now.

Well, gonna change myself soon.
After all, can't have my crazy style with me all along.
Perhaps it'll be an end to it...
Well, it can't be help,
I guess.

Finally, it is time for me to abandon all that is over & go on to my next phase of life...

2009-04-20T21:16:00.000+08:00

Went Gothy, Azuku & Fadz's birthday celeb.
As I remember,
3 more of Gothy's team member is there too.
Though I only remember Yuuki,
Since she is like the only person that told me loud enough. :X

YJ's team have high attendance.
Azuku, Gothy & Fadz set aside,
Shiro Kuro, along with John Valentine (XD)
Eriol, me, and YJ himself.

Anyway, had quite some fun there.
Though YJ was a little being abused...
But well, I guess through out the whole thing,
It turn out quite fine.

We went home at around 11 plus.
On the train ride,
It was surprising for Kuro to reveal something big.
She said about A???'s strange act.
As if he's a HJJ...
Well, pretty much a disappointment.
Although it isn't a 100% sure yet,
But a doubt from Kuro...
It's hard to say no.

Anyway,
YJ and I decided that we'll raise our cautiousness.
Just in case it is true though.

------------------------------

Is it just appearance could make one doubt you?
Even after you work so hard for them?
I don't know.
Sometimes, people are blind towards someone.
No matter what I do,
There is always someone who doubt me.

Perhaps I have enough.
I shouldn't care anymore...

Just a mere remarks, yet I took it so seriously... Is it even a little remark to me? No, it's more.

2009-04-17T10:04:00.000+08:00

Some fuck up stuff happened in camp.
But oh well,
Not gonna bring it up here.
To be short,
I just became a scapegoat.

Anyway,
I don't know how people think of me.
But I do know,
I care of what others think of me, a lot.
I'd always tell other peeps,
Just be yourself,
It's not like you live for others' sake.

Yet me myself?
I'm a failure when it comes to making it work.
I'd giving advices, and sometimes good one,
Yet me myself,
I'm a screwed up by myself.

Weird, but yeah,
I'm one illogical life-example.
I'd always denying myself,
But yet,
Someone's remark always pulled me back...

I wonder the day when I'm finally out...
What's gonna happen?

Vindicating hope that shone upon my darkest hour... I shall live my life in my own shadow.

2009-04-12T09:23:00.000+08:00

Went Aik's house again.
This time, it's for mahjong session.
Wai Chien is here too...
Kinda long since I last saw him.
Still nothing changed though. :)

Anyway, Cat's here too.
While Cass & Aik still around,
Getting along is still fine.
But when we're going home together,
W/o Cass & Aik,
It's a little quiet.

But well, I don't really thought of that much now.
After all, she is suppose to be a past,
Not a present,
Nor a future.

P.S.

Kuro... why you say that to me?
Did something happen?

A lone journey is indeed lonely, yet one would see more from their inner soul... just because our heart is not closed when we're alone, we could understand more when we're alone.

2009-04-11T05:24:00.000+08:00

Back from Shiro Kuro's PS.
Nothing much to say bout that,
But anyway, nice works though.
That's for the photographers,
And my 2 bosses who seems to enjoy it a lot.
XD

Oh yeah, and these 2 brats,
Took my first hug away. :X
I wasn't kinda expecting that,
So I kinda stoned. o.o
But well, it's a nice day after all.
Fun & stuff,
Pretty much enjoy it a lot. :)

Back on myself.

Went Aik's house after checking out the movies.
Stay till like, 4am plus.

As usual,
Walk my way home.
But well, like always.
I gaze at the night sky that shrouded by darkness...
Far, like it'd always been.
Yet it's as if it's reachable.

Same goes.
Sometimes, it could be so dreamy.
Like it can never exist.

Is it fate that playing upon us?
Or was it just a word of forgotten?
I never wanted to know.

Hope is at times, hopeless. Facing the words, I guess.

2009-04-09T23:42:00.000+08:00

Posted as requested from Tako.

TEN ARE YOUS

1. Are you single - Yeah.
2. Are you happy - Not now.
3. Are you bored - Not now as well.
4. Are you fair - Not fair, lightly darken skin.
5. Are you Italian - My name is, I'm not.
6. Are you intelligent - Quite, I reckon.
7. Are you honest - Honesty yes, but not direct.
8. Are you nice - Yeah, I guess.
9. Are you Irish - No.
10. Are you Asian - Yeah.

TEN FACTS

1.Full Name - Lorenzo Thong Zheng Feng
2. Nicknames - Fiera, Zoo.
3. Birth place - Malaysia, Negri Sembilan, Jelebu.
4. Hair color - Black
5. Natural hair style - Yeah.
6. Eye Color - Dark brown
7. Birthday - 25/11/1988
9. Favorite color - Black
10. One place you'd like to visit - Japan

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
1. Have you ever been in love – Never.
2. Do you believe in love at first sight – Not entirely.
3. Do you currently have a crush? No.
4. Have you ever been hurt emotionally – Yes.
5. Have you ever broken someone’s heart – No.
6. Have you ever had your heart broken – Not to this extent.
7. Have you ever liked someone but never told them – Once. This linked to Q4.
8. Are you afraid of commitment – Yes, for being incapable of giving it.
9. Who was the last person you hugged – No one.
10. Who was the last person you said I love you to - No one.

TEN THIS OR THAT
1. Love or lust - Love.
2. Hard liquor or beer - Neither?
3. Cats or dogs - Cats.
4. A few best friends or any regular friends - Few best friends.
5. Creamy or Crunchy – Creamy.
6. Pencil or Pen – Pencil.
7. Wild night out or romantic night in - Romantic night in.
8. Money or Happiness – Happiness.
9. Night or day – Night.
10. i phone or Sony Erisson – Sony Erisson.

TEN HAVE YOU EVER
1. Been caught sneaking out – Yeah.
2. Seen a polar bear - Yeah.
3. Done something you regret – Yeah.
4. Bungee jumped – No.
5. Eaten food that fell on the floor – No.
6. Finished an entire jaw breaker – Huh? What's that...?
7. Been caught naked – No.
8. Wanted an ex bf/gf back – Never had one.
9. Cried because you lost a pet – Never had one.
10. Wanted to disappear – Yeah.

TEN PREFERENCES IN A PARTNER
1. Smile or eyes - Eyes.
2. Light or dark hair – Dark.
3. Hugs or kisses – Kisses.
4. Shorter or taller – Shorter, or similar.
5. Intelligence or attraction – Whichever.
6. Topman or Zara – Huh??
7. Funny or serious - Whichever.
8. Older or Younger – No pref.
9. Outgoing or quiet – Both.
10. Sweet or Bad – Sweet.

TEN HAVE YOUS
1. Ever performed in front of a large crowd – Yeah, orientation goofy dance.
2. Ever talked on the phone for longer than an hour – Yeah.
3. Ever tried walking on your hands – I phail.
4. Ever been to a rock concert – Nope.
5. Ever been on a cheerleading team – Never.
6. Ever been on a dance team - Yeah, if that goofy dance counted.
7. Ever been on a sports team – Nope.
8. Ever been in a drama play/production – Nope.
9. Ever owned a BMW, Mercedes Benz, Escalade, Hummer or Bentley?- Nope.
10. Ever been in a rap video?- Nope.

TEN LASTS
1. Last phone call you made – Manda.
2. Last person you hugged – No one.
3. Last person you hung out with – Manda.
4. Last time you worked – 7 hours ago.
5. Last person you talked to – My mum.
6. Last person you IM’d – Yong Jie.
7. Last person you texted – Shiro.约束
8. Last person(s) you went to the movies with – Can't remember.
9. Last person/thing you missed – Reminisce.
10. Last website visited – Sgcafe.com

I pick 6 peeps randomly from my link list.
1- Manda
2- Yuchi
3- Hina
4- Carmen
5- Eileen
6- Ika-chan

2009-03-29T19:04:00.000+08:00

Went Kuro Bara yesterday.
And assuming I'll be seeing lots of peeps..
And yeah, I saw HELL LOTS.
At least 20 over people I know.
Lol.

And yeah, saw Ika, Haru & Yusifer.
Joey hair is screwed!
LOL~
Ika-chan's hair also dyed,
But it look so different on her blog lo.
I wonder is that the quality of camera or what...

Anyway, was pretty impressed bout Yuchi.
Despite her blisters on her toes,
Still can get on 3 dances continuously.
Claps for ya~!

Met minichaos, my team leader,
Eriol, photographer & might be my future shifu...
Xuri, some really cool looking girl with piercings,
RinYa, one with really bright eyes,
Shiro & Kuro, the hyper pairs.

YJ really have a great team I reckon.
Together with so many jokers xD.

A little complication sometimes do add a little different memories to be engraved on my heart. It's good, I guess...

2009-03-28T10:51:00.000+08:00

White house exploration failed!
Cos of multiple sensor and stuffs.
But anyway,
It's more like exploration trip at Punggol. ._.

Anyway,
The sky was clear,
And I can see stars right above us.
It's not just one or two,
But countless.

Really... had it been that long?
I didn't gaze into the stars like this since when?
I don't remember...
But still,
I could feel soothed just by gazing it...
It's amusing.

Oh well.
I think I'd love to explore a spot for clear sky.
Then just sit there over the night,
Watching the sky turn from darkness to light...
Perhaps I'm weird,
But I just like it...

Sometimes, I could really feel that I am withering, slowly, to my end... But still what is life when there is no hope?

2009-03-21T21:27:00.000+08:00

Someone actually liked my way of dealing with emotions.
I don't know bout that...
But well, it's instinctive.
I just wanted to do it that way.

Apparently,
I found myself in greater interest in r/s,
But also greater denial in it too.
Ironic, isn't it?

Maybe it's better after all...
Not having no one telling me they like me or something,
It's probably better this way.
At least,
I do not have to hesitate of my thoughts.

Vivid sub-conscious is echoing... perhaps following it is what is called as self-conscience.

2009-03-16T03:04:00.000+08:00

No more checkpoint duty anymore.
That means a bad thing, probably.
Lesser off days to be earn,
And more days at camp.

Probably gonna bored like crap.
But oh well,
Psycho some peeps to start playing Monster Hunter 2G as well.
So got tonnes of things to do in there. :)

And yeah, went for MH2G hunting too.
HR 8 now~
And got owned by Volganos.
What the hell!!!
Anyway, was suppose to hunt till evening,
But ended up going for Alucard's birthday celeb. @_@
Oh well.
One thing was surprising though:
I met Yuchi at this super dramatic encounter.
And YUCHI I HEARD U SCREAM OUT LOUD~
XD

Anyway, back on myself.

Somehow I became less sadist nowadays.
Probably cos of the people I know from Sgcafe or so.
But anyway, I started to value lots of things.
Not things that cost real monetary values,
Cos those are merely materialistic stuffs.

What I meant was the value of those that is worthy.
Not now, but in the future.
Which in other words, it's people who I really care.

Cass, who utterly changed myself completely.
Aik, buddy since sec 1.
YJ, a great friend for 7 whole years.
Manda, a friend who share and care works in non-BGR form.
Yan Li, a little over-heated yet under-confident god sis.
PY, who made me realize something really important.
Catherine, who instill my first scar.

These are people who made a difference in my life,
And I learned to treasure them,
Even though I might not get the same treatment,
So long as they remain as this place within my heart,
They will be treasured, no matter what.

Lights has been dimmed, and darkness shroud once again... but I'm no longer afraid. Because I know somewhere out there, the light is still brightening my vision up, giving me hope & happiness.

2009-03-11T02:51:00.001+08:00

Problems, always.
Seems like r/s really take time out,
And by a really huge amount.

Told Aik bout the stuffs recently,
And yeah, he asked me bout Ika-chan.
Well...
What can I say?
I know Ika-chan is good.
I mean, perhaps she's a little blur,
And a little shy too...
But well, she's a nice girl,
And I don't wanna start anything that I have no confidence in...
It doesn't matter when it hurts me if it fails,
But I don't want anyone else to get hurt because of this.

NS had taken too much of my time.
If Ika-chan is with me,
She would have little time with me.
And even for me myself,
I would feel bad for it,
So I rather remain passive.

Even though loneliness do strike,
I can only endure it.
Sadist has always been with me,
So loneliness is just usual.
Although sometimes I really felt like taking a step into r/s,
I forced a stop on it,
Cos I know I am not ready for it.

Sorrow of the past, loneliness of the present, and pain in the heart. All these are no longer so intolerable. Not because it subside, but pathethically, it's me who got used to it.

2009-03-08T05:40:00.000+08:00

Went for Yusifer's farewell gathering.
Pretty alright I'd say,
Although it's Haru's first attempt...
Well, more to be improve. xD

Pool session last for quite long,
So few of us: Ozora, Naoya, Saki, Tako, Ika & Ray went KFC.
Just for our little break & stuffs.
Ika-chan seems isolated a little though.
So I'd entertain her more.
Sorta like I don't like anyone to got isolated...
Anyway, I almost was with Ika the entire time.

Went for pastamania after pool.
And yeah, JJP gave us a huge treat!
A total of 4 pizzas & drinks!
Rich guy!!
Anyway, I did a stunning move too:
The cashier asked me what pasta I like to have,
And instinctively I answered, "Pasta"
What's worse; Haru is beside me.
She laugh like crap, when I know it.
And keep laughing even after our supper finished.
Lameness pawns asses, I'd say.

Anyway, by the time we left,
It's already near 1am.
Ika doesn't have any idea of how to go home,
And Yusifer is a little worried on that,
So I'd volunteer to send her home.

But then again,
Ika live at somewhere that the NR6 just didn't stop at.
It just keep doing turns & twist,
Till we missed the stop & took a cab.
Nice job, stupid NR6. -.-

Anyway, sent her home till her house downstairs.
Went back to bus stop & only found no bus for that hour.
So, last resort: Cab.
And I took the most expensive cab ride ever. Lol.
It cost S$29.10.
But well, yeah, I don't really care anyway.
Not like I got anyone to spend on.

That marks pretty much end of today.
Hope Joey have a good time at NS. :)

Time flies. It has already been so long since I last remember you, and now, you no longer hurts me when I see you again.

2009-03-01T09:35:00.000+08:00

Somehow,
I wished you were here...

Sorta affected by Tora Dora!'s mood anyway.
Nowadays just waiting for it's next episode.
Manga & Anime probably sum up my entertainment for now.
Gaming is something that I do only at boring time.

Probably a good thing.
Wouldn't waste that much time in my life.

Matilda white house exploration is on next week.
Probably gonna have fun again though.
Also with YJ's cosplay meeting...
Along with Yusifer's "farewell" gathering...
Oh well.
Life is full of experiences,
Just how did you approach it is the real decision.

Emotions, affections..... too much had once touched my heart.

2009-02-24T18:08:00.000+08:00

The all mighty master Bay~
Finally left our little gay group.
P.S.
I'm not gay,
But then I called ourselves gay cos:
We're all single till even now.

Anyway,
Aik, you did a damn great job.
The first guy to got attached eh?
Well, I should say congrats.
At any point,
I gotta admit,
Ya got some luck with you too.

When it come to things like relationship,
I'm a person without any blessings.
I wouldn't know why,
But after all, I could see that I was lacking it.

I don't smoke, drink, club,
I don't get all unfriendly,
I don't have bad & weird temper,
I just don't have the luck, I guess?

Don't worry peeps,
I'm not whining.
It's all destined.
So, I don't have any reason to complain.
It's all fated.
So, I don't have any reason to sulk.

Perhaps my self-sacrificial character should be thrashed & become selfish... but after all, I can't. It will no longer be me.

2009-02-15T08:25:00.001+08:00

Sorry.

I can't change the way I am, therefore I don't know what will become of me. But still, certain things still doesn't change no matter what... if you understand.

2009-02-10T17:36:00.000+08:00

Don't really know what happened to LY,
Since she canceled my entry to her blog.
Anyway,
Just hope she could get over it soon.
Dwelling too much on the past...
That's the toxic that endanger your whole life.

Take a step backward,
Look at people around you,
Then perhaps you will understand,
You're not alone.

I'm always there, along with your friends... even your family can't understand, we might be able to.

2009-02-09T13:32:00.000+08:00

A little continuation of a new chapter.
Well well,
Aik's attached.
But well, not surprising.
After all, she's a good catch.

Anyway,
Barrier between me & that kitty melt down a little,
But well,
I don't really give that much thought of it anymore.
After all,
What's belongs to the past will remain in the past,
Future lies at your path only when you look into it.

属于曾经的过去，
已经不过是回忆。
即使怀念，
那也只是一段往事。
即使不舍得，
也终究得放开手。
虽然还是朋友，
但是我们已经不是从前的我们。
。。。
无论如何，
祝你能幸福。

曾几何时，彼此的距离已经如此遥远。。。

2009-02-08T11:19:00.000+08:00

A quick blog over what happened to my Macritchie expedition...
Well, it's suppose to be a super-natural hunting trip,
So all could guess? :)

Well, it's pretty much a failure,
But after all, we did got something.
Though no pics here,
Cos all Polaroid evidence is with Hiki.

Anyway,
We started walking from Thomson Rd bus stop,
Which is at around 6.30pm.
We can't find the Shinto Shrine though.
It's suppose to be somewhere slightly south from the east Axis from Jelutong Tower.
Anyway, we miss our entrance.
Also because of lack of equipments,
We didn't go into the forest trails.

Anyway, continue.
We continue walking from the tower,
And after encountering some wider landscape of swamps,
We came across a weird hut.
It's a solid-wall hut, which looks a bit like cleaner's hut.
But....
Think about it,
Will a cleaner's hut be in the middle of a forest?
Also a weird phenomenon is,
Small pieces of mist sometimes flow past our torch,
And camera picture show the presence of Astral Projection.
Astral Projections are basically light orbs,
which they floats/ flew past air,
And they ARE suspected to be what we called "ghost".

Afterwards,
I found the weird geographic features around the hut:
There is NO WAY for human to approach that hut without sinking their foot into mud.
It might be the geographical change due to time,
But still, the flow of the water which caused a shallow river to block the hut...
The source of the water is from the reservoir drain,
So if the hut was in the way,
They would have remove it,
Correct?

The hut is also locked,
And judging from the rust,
It's at least been there for years.
I tried kicking the door open,
But well, it's still intact.
Guess age doesn't really wear the door off yet.

Last thing bout the hut,
We tried taking a Polaroid picture of the hut's door,
And apparently,
The bottom part of the door which suppose to be muddy,
It's appearing as red in the picture.

Anyway,
After we go on from that hut,
There isn't much stuff to be found.
Other than some presence felt at a drainage path.

We continued from there onwards,
Following the path of drainage system for the reservoir,
And ending up at a dead end.
But the dead end pretty much is a good camping spot.
Cool, wide & quiet.

Anyway,
Also a casual remark:
I found my friend Hina (Known as Wenzii at my blog link)
In part of my group.
Lol.
Singapore is SMALL!!!

A cool ghost hunting trip, although pretty much considered as a failure. If there's a 2nd time, I'd go for it.

2009-02-06T13:27:00.000+08:00

In rare cases, I do add a pic in or 2,
But this case,
I'm showing all who wanna know what happen,
And especially this Jiao Wei person,
What the fuck is he fussing about,
And spamming a tag doesn't belong to him.

Note the message above my arrow:

If can't see just try to zoom in a little.
Or just click on it to see the original size.

Because of this remark,
He have been spamming on LY's blog,
For DAYS!
Even scolding my mum & dad. (In the newer post)
Yeah right,
Picking me into a fight some more...
Didn't he know that in NS,
the most people you get to associates are what?

It's not like I don't know what's happening,
It's just that I have the heart to at least not to disturb a sad girl,
but WHY CAN'T U FUCKING JIAO WEI DO IT??

Sorry to say,
You're just one failure of us human.
You doesn't have a heart,
And you care not of even one that you declared you once loved.
I felt sad for LY,
Cos she just got the wrong guy for her first.

Now, if you can ever read this, please give some thought in your brainless head & heartless chest. All you done now, is causing trouble to WHO?

2009-01-28T05:36:00.000+08:00

Fate is indeed unfair.
Sometimes,
People that are content with their life...
They got a bonus.
Yet some who struggles for a life...
Get their last breath.

Often I do wonder,
Why had fate made it this way?
Does it wanted to show it's limitation to humans?
Or was it just some kind of nuisance like a kid's child-play?

If one do not know how to love,
Why grant them ability to love in the first place?
Why allow them to be loved?
Was it just to create emotional clashes?
Or after all, it's just nothing but meaningless?

It's chaotic.
I mean, my mind.
I don't really know about how the destiny thing working out...
I don't care.
Cos of it, I saw pointless frauds...

Anyway, give that fate thingy a full stop here.

Oh yeah,
Happy CNY for everyone that's celebrating it.
And yeah...
It's 17 more days to Valentine.
And it'll be my 20th lone valentine...
I guess it'll be that way.
After all, I'm one who is not prepared to love anyone yet.
So... this year I ain't getting attached.

Menacing fate which crumbles upon our lives... we're mere dominoes which fall onto one another, causing more pains & sufferings to each other.

2009-01-15T11:59:00.000+08:00

Like I thought.
It'll never be the same.
But well, fair enough.

Anyway, I think my blog skin start to expire...
Sigh.
Gotta change it soon...
And my Firefox sucks big time.
Lag like crap at times.

Essence of life drops into the heart of every single person, just that did you or did you not notice it.

2009-01-14T19:42:00.000+08:00

Well, she's back.
Gonna see her in like 10 more mins...

Somehow, I just not feeling anything weird.
I don't know why is this..
But I guess it's just fine.
After all, what's bygone had became the past,
And I probably walked out of it pretty much.

Realizing what is never meant to be with me, I'd woke up from my deep slumber of that dream, and face the reality once again.

2009-01-04T16:32:00.000+08:00

Still the same.
Just another year,
With the same old people,
Same old atmosphere...
Seems like the joy of new year didn't really affect me.

Anyway,
New month of checkpoint duties.
CNY falls on first & second day of CNY,
So might not be able to celebrate it...
But well,
I doubt I really have any extra nice mood anyway.

So far,
A gloomy year just went past,
And a new year of unknown memories still lies ahead...
I don't know what may happen...
But I'll just try to get over,
I guess that's how it'll be.

Oh yeah,
I'm learning Tarots too,
And might be learning more new things i wanted to this year..
So perhaps this year might be more fulfilling...
Who knows?

Diminished sorrow do not mean unaffected emotion... but rather, it enhanced the sight of life, and the experience of life.

2008-12-22T15:37:00.001+08:00

It's almost new year.
Perhaps everyone is getting all excited bout the count down thingy...
But well,
It's just another year for me.

X'mas gonna be here like in 3 more days,
But i doubt I'll have any company thru X'mas eve...
Although it's not like I spent last year's X'mas eve with someone anyway.
So, life goes on.

Passing off a year,
Gave a thought about most of the thing happened...
But this year,
It's almost a cloudy reminisce.
I don't really know why...
But perhaps it's just some symptoms that I don't have a great year.
Most of my memories are of melancholy,
So I guess I really need a company...
But they don't come easy, I reckon.
I once missed in vain,
Now I still wait in this wounded hope,
Till perhaps as long as I live.

Haunting remembrance which torments me, it's permanent...

2008-12-16T00:32:00.000+08:00

Sometimes,
Reading too much stories seems to be just bad.
It makes you just think too much bout yourself,
And your life.
Although I still thought of her reappearance as miracle...
But I guess nothing really changed.
Since that very incident, I guess nothing could really change...

Fated things could never be defied, not even with miracles...

2008-11-28T13:08:00.000+08:00

Just one simple phrase,
Yet it caused a fissure in me...
I don't know anymore,
I just don't know what is happening...
Perhaps I should have never think about that from the start...
Perhaps,
It's just illusions that I have been imagining about,
But...

Darkness that once cover my vision... it has been lighten up again, yet I had been blinded by this blinding light that you had created...

2008-11-27T14:23:00.000+08:00

Is that you?
I don't know..
It's just that everything look so... unreal.
I can't think anymore...

Perhaps my dreamscape is my only comfort now.

2008-11-17T13:08:00.001+08:00

1st week of OPS Whitelight ended.
Pretty crappy & stuffs,
Including the night shifts...
Anyway,
I guess finaly it'll be easier now.
I mean,
My life.

As for now,
I understood finaly,
I'm just a subtitute.
Perhaps I'd been just a replacement for all the time he's not there.
And perhaps,
It is time for him to replace my position now...
Since all the while she's just thinking bout him,
Not me.

All is just an endless dream, which never come true...

2008-11-07T21:06:00.001+08:00

Somehow,
I made it through,
And passed out.

But I'm quite unhappy bout it.
Cos I'll be with the same fucking platoon,
Which all the fucking racist,
All the fucking nonsensical assholes,
But I can't do a shit,
And they'll be with me for another fucking 20 months.

What,
The,
Fuck.

My life in NS pretty much is gonna be rough.
But I guess there's always someone to help me...
So I'll persevere,
At least try my best,
I guess...

Anyway, I lost my phone.
So I wouldn't be having a phone for 1 month or so.
I wouldn't be changing my number,
But I'll inform everyone to update me though.
If you're wondering how I lost it,
SOME OF THE BLOODY ASSHOLE,
In which I mentioned about,
Stole my phone,
When I place it 3m away from me to charge.

Anyway,
Happy pass out to everyone.

Ceasing this flame of war isn't one possible option, since they themselves are the provokers of endless war.

2008-10-17T20:57:00.000+08:00

The same sky that we both stared,
Same atmosphere that we once shared,
Same road that we walked,
All had became nothing but past.

Now,
I start all over,
With this shattered past sealed,
I have to.

When the one from past forsake me, I have no other choice but to move on... because I know, I should not cause anymore trouble for one who care for me.

2008-10-03T23:48:00.000+08:00

After all the tolerating,
I fought with a Malay.

This is what happen:
He's walking towards me,
With a breaching and a hose with him.
He saw me,
& he sorta shout: don't know how to help is it?

Of course, bad attitude,
But during then, I'm blocking the stairway if I stand there,
So, I move into the stairway's more empty area,
Then I wanted to wait for him,
& help him,
But before I turn,
A hose flew at me.

Don't need any explanation,
it's him, who threw it at me.
The hose sorta hit my leg & cause excruciating pain on the old injury,
So I squat down on that instance...

Yet, while walking past me,
He kick my back again.
I flared up,
I punched his leg,
And he kick & punched me back.
Thanks to my helmet,
My upper body suffer no injury from those hits.

More than 10 people around me.
None stop him,
Other than Abel,
Who came into place & stop the fight.
I am thankful,
Cos at the very least,
There is someone there for me.
Also, thanks, Murbarak, Li Chong & Rupert.

End of Story.

So, if you ask me: why not report to instructor or so?
My answer is: They said they could charge both me & him fighting.
Yeah, I did 1 punch,
He did like 10 over hits, plus a flying hose,
And we got the same charge.
Yeah, fuck up.

In the end, they said they gonna give both of us a chance.
Yeah right, both of us.
What the fuck.
"Both of us"?
What wrong am I in?
Yeah, I fought back.
So?
He assaulted me,
I self-defended myself.
End of story.
Who gonna win in court?
I don't think I'll lose.

If you're asking me why am I not tolerating,
I already doing my best.
There's 2 groups of malays here:
1: Non-offensive Non-racist Non-bully, friendly group.
2: Offensive, Racist, Bully Chinese group.

In some way,
Me & 2 of the china guys are the 2nd group's main target.

First of all:
I am not trying to be a racist here,
Nor am I doing anything to stir up racial topic,
But now, this is what I been through.
I acknowledge that whatever I declared here is a true story.
If anyone saw this,
Wanna report me as "Stirring up racial harmony",
By all means, do it.
Even if I'm not a racist,
Probably they will force me into becoming racist.

Fate threw me many jokes... practical jokes. He just want me to know, world is always unfair, with evidences.

2008-09-28T18:13:00.000+08:00

Somehow,
Definition of love,
From loving each other...
Became one sided,
Became a kind of one way trip.
Giving one's heart,
With expectation of not receiving anything in return...
It had turn into what we call, love.

Oblivion had perhaps became the best solution...
For everyone of us,
Each of our heart,
Fill with the shrapnels of oblivion,
Erasing all of our love,
All of our selflessness,
And allow one who we love...
Live her own life,
And be happy, ever after...

Epidemic love which infect only selfless people... god, aren't you unfair? Or after all... there is no "god"?

2008-09-21T12:44:00.001+08:00

Another walk from China town to Vivo.
Yet it's like a flashback...
It was fine...
It was...
But now,
It's no longer the way it had been.
Time cannot be reversed.
I cannot return back to those moments.
No one can.

Holding tight to this little bit of you left,
I don't know am I still doing the right thing...
Perhaps it's meant to be that way...
Maybe your smile is all I wish for...
And a happy ending.

One who belongs to nowhere but the most distant, most sorrowful place, is perhaps fated to be exiled from anywhere.

2008-09-20T10:56:00.000+08:00

The distance had grown so far...
So far,
That I can no longer reach you,
And I just have the urge to tear...

I really don't know why...
But I guess...
This is love?

Painful, indeed.

You became so far, so out of reach, that I can only see you from my memory, from my heart...

2008-09-13T20:05:00.001+08:00

Manda took a new start.
Yet I'm still in the same circle.
Somehow, it's weird,
But well, I should give her my best wishes.

Perhaps,
I ought to take a new start too...
I guess it's time to move on.
Putting everything behind is hard indeed...
But a new start should solve it all,
At least, I think it might...

Letting the past go is difficult, because every moment is precious to you... but to move on, I have to go on.

2008-09-07T01:06:00.000+08:00

111st post.
Kinda lol?
Anyway, SRB training came into 2nd week.
Nothing much happen too...

So, this post isn't really that much to talk about.
If anything is on my mind,
It'll be the same old thing...
Jason ask me to let it go...
But...
Is that even possible to me?

If only love is something simpler.
Perhaps it will be much more easier...
For him,
For her,
And for me, too...

I had been forgotten, for the sake of her & him.
Now, I'm in despair of their reunion...

2008-08-31T19:59:00.000+08:00

I don't know what to say...
But...
It seems that somehow,
They're not broken.
At least not completely...

Perhaps I'd been nothing...
Nothing more than just a mere presense.
Nothing but only part of a memory.
Nothing more than a friend,
Who had been exiled from her world...

Perhaps my reason to exist is just entirely for helping other people, and then disappear... it's tragic, eventhough I wanted to feel happy for the one who I love...

2008-08-30T16:39:00.000+08:00

Missed out a lot of birthdays,
And greetings to them too...
But i guess it's fine.
Since I'm on the verge of disappearance from their memory....
So... let it be.
Although it's a little sad,
But life's this way,
Aren't I'm right?

Life is never fair,
Which probably why everyone is destinied for a different path.
On verge of separation,
Emotional reaction is always huge...
But time do seems to erase this...
Bit by bit...
Till eventually we can no longer remember,
Till we can no longer recall,
And till we no longer feel anything for it.

Perhaps time is a bad thing afterall.
I don't know,
But I just don't like how time works for me.
Time renders a person to disappear from one's memory,
And time changes too many things...
But...
What can I even say to change it?

People change,
Memory get replaced,
But does everything else will be forgotten?

Suddenly, I found a sense of helplessness... eventhough I know there is always someone might need me, I can no longer stand up the way it was...

2008-08-23T15:08:00.000+08:00

I passed out.

But I doubt I'll be an instructor now tho...

I'm probably going into SRB,

Or rather Special Rescue Battalion.

But it's alright I guess...

Just that... I can't stand people around me.

They kept complaining bout getting into SRB...

They just keep mumbling bout that...

Made me so annoyed.

Anyway, back on track.
Samantha's grandpa passed away.
It made an impact on my thoughts:
Life, are so fragile.
One thing, one incident,
And it could cost your life,
Making you regret, on the verge of death,
Making people around you tears for you...
I can't say much bout death,
Since it's just nature's course.
But still...
It's just hard to accept death.

Perhaps our life is meant to embrace ourselves,
Embrace our dreams,
And love people around us.

Sometimes when I read other blogs...
I'm just envious bout their carefree life,
Cos I can't do anything in that way...
Perhaps I'm meant to take this different course,
A different way from others,
And perhaps, a different life as well.

At times, we tends to be disracted from our original course, our original goals, targets... but in the end, we still end up with the same ending, but with more regrets, and less happiness.

2008-08-09T15:51:00.000+08:00

National day again.
It'd been 1 whole year since then.
It's glad that she still remembers people from FHSS...
But somehow, I know something is still remains intact.
Somehow, someone will still stay right at that very place,
Waiting the same person.

I don't know what exactly I'm expressing now...
But it seems I'm just getting hooked up with the past.
Although it'd always been that way...
Perhaps it's just me, who refuse to change.
It's just me, getting left behind by people around me,
And eventually became forgotten.

I wanted to ask:
Is all I did in the past had became shredded in your memories?
Do I ever have a place in your heart?

I no longer hope for anything, because it has already been shattered so many times...

2008-07-27T18:18:00.000+08:00

Got 3 extra guard duties.
Fucked up.
ZZZ.
It's just some lame stuff and we almost got charged.
Plain stupid. -.-

Anyway, leave that aside.
Since it's nothing much to talk about anyway...

Throughout this NS period,
I missed a lot of things...
And misses a lot of stuffs.
Things that seems so distant...
So out of reach...
Yet it's staying right in front of our eyes,
Telling us our painful past,
Reminding us of every small stuffs that we regrets...
It's ironic.

Ironic, that it's just like a drama.
A so-damn-dramatic drama.
I hate this, but what can I say?
What can I even complain about the decision made by fate?

Memories always look so far away... & we can never reach to it again... yet it came taunting me, telling me what I did in the past can no longer be trifled with anymore.

2008-07-18T18:55:00.000+08:00

I skipped a week or 2 of postings.
Not that I forget,
Just that don't feel like mentioning stuffs.

Anyway, back on track.

The story of him & her is turning into mere memories.
But again, it's still affecting my mood easily.
I don't know,
But it's just this way.
I reckon I can't do anything anyway.
It's just my nature,
My god damn nature.

Convincing myself that neither party are within my concern now...
I probably just get outta their life.
Though I doubt I could do that...
Maybe time could help...
Although time could change everything,
Something will remain unchange.
Like, my heart.

Perhaps the greatest love is not to be with one who you love and make her happy... perhaps it's letting someone elses be with her, and smile upon her happiness.

2008-07-05T15:23:00.000+08:00

Seems like clubbin ain't my stuff.
I'm not really into stuffs like shakin' around with bodies sticking together.
Moreover, I don't like to take advantages of others.
I even raised my arms upwards to prevent scrubbin into anyone's ass.
Pretty lame, right?
But I guess,
This is me.

Anyway,
PTP phase almost over.
Just slacking week now.
Nothing special bout my NS life.
Other than it's just a surrounding change.

Again,
It's the same old people,
With the same old problem,
And the same old scar,
Scorching pieces of them,
Torturing, inflicting pain...
Still, I can do nothing.
Eventho I am the very cause of all.

Will time help me to heal their wounds? I hope it will, cos it's the only thing I can do now.

2008-06-29T16:48:00.000+08:00

Ok, an exception for this week.
I'm doing a 2nd post for this week.
Nothing much special,
Just to record another day of late night outing.
Which ressembles so much back in the past.

Happy birthday to Aileen btw.
Nothing much special bout the first half,
But after meeting up with Dex,
While Hong Yi & Kel can't make it,
I became the only person that meet up with Dex & Nat(aka Natalie, Dex's girl)

The moment I knew bout this three-person group,
I knew I'm bound to get entangled back to my thoughts.
Though I did try not to.
However,
It's seems even Dex & Nat could see my reminise.
Hard on them, I suppose.
Having someone that's on a emo mood on their anniversary,
Sorry.

When we're sitting on the stairs by the river,
I looked at Nat, playing PSP...
Suddenly, it just reminds me of Cat.
Not that they ressembles in terms of look,
But it's just...
A different couple...
A different place...
A different time...

But,
I am still myself.
Memories still stay intact.
Pain is still here,
Lying deep in here,
My heart.

It's been half a year since everything became broken.
How are you, I wonder...

Does my pain able to compensate for what I had caused to my friends, and whoever I care?

2008-06-28T00:03:00.000+08:00

I start to get hopeless on ERS.
Might as well get a storeman position and stay safe...
Anyway, this week seems awfully fast.
Well, I guess it's good...

Many things happened thru this week.
I wouldn't be writing down most of it...
But here's a few:
A fight that nearly broke out,
A tear that nearly fell out,
And, a person who's nearly worn out.
Let your imagination take it's place bout these incidents.

I will wait... wait for that very day when I can see your smiles once again, I will, no matter the time.

2008-06-20T19:01:00.000+08:00

100th post...
Nothing really special tho.

But however, I found out a tragedy.
It doesn't just need trust to love one another,
But faith, is needed much too.
Like my roommate, Dexter.
He & his girlfriend is pretty much stable now,
And he's making the effort to keep it up,
She is, too.
Even tho Dex is at NS,
She bother to wait for him,
And continue to love him.

This is faith.
Believing in one another...
It's the higher level of loving your love one.
Lacking of it, it'll just end up broken.
Like what I foreseen,
Which had already became reality...
Which also made my effort go all wasted...
But the effort isn't the point.
It's, the scar that I caused to both the person I care.

I don't know will I ever be immune to this guilt,
But I do know,
I am guilty.
Guilty of causing the pain for 2 person that I care most.
And this guilt last for life.
My whole life.

My guilt had cost me 2 friends that I care, 1 person to love, and half of my heart.

2008-06-13T23:18:00.001+08:00

Been thru 3 & half day in NS.
Still pretty well with it,
since nothing really bad going on...
Just that since my bed is just beside the windows...
Sometimes, just so hard to be not fall into thoughts.

At the very least,
I have a small goal for my NS:
To achive SERS rank (Sergeant).
If I really can..
I'll get like 1000++ pay per month for 10 days work/ mth!
It's like damn freaking cool at 100 bucks/day,
But I'd to go thru 6 months training...

Anyway, back to myself.
Nothing really happens thru the days,
Other than I accidentally found Joanne Neo's sis,
Who ALSO, write quotes of thoughts at end of each blog.
I have company. :)

Oh by the way,
I have weekend off every weeks,
So feel free to SMS me,
Cos I can bring my phone ^^

Next thing,
Cass was pretty right..
I should have find a girlfriend before NS.
Seeing all the peeps have their loves one picking them up...
Well, envious, I'ld say.
I'm one of the few rare species in my platoon that's still single...
Yeah, I mean,
Single, all along.
Most of them like: You serious ah???
But well, yeap.
My love one... I think she hating me.

Often when life reach a turning point, it's hard to accept... but itseems that we'll gradually found our own companion towards the new journey to the new life, just the matter of time, I reckon.

2008-06-10T01:07:00.000+08:00

[QUOTE BEGINS]

List out your top 5 birthday presents u wish for:
#1-Freedom!!
#2-PSP
#3-Gimme someone who love me a lot :S
#4-Some small souvenirs from my primary school friend
#5-A simple peace..

1. The person who tagged u is:
- Cat aka SW

2. Your relationship with him/her is:
- friend/buddy bah~

3. Your 5 impressions of him:
- LOVE HELLO KITTY!!!
- Talk a lot (gd thing lai de :p)
- Very late sleep
- Caring (bah.. treat friend very good wor...)
- Hit people very pain (I immune :P)

4. The most memorable thing he/she has done for you:
- A small tag @ my tag board when i damn sad.

5. The most memorable words he/she has said to you:
- Very long.. is about parent de.

6. If he/she becomes your lover, you will?:
- Should be quite happy, since she treat friend so good le. :)

7. If he/she's your lover, what he/she has to improve on?:
- Nothing bah, cos i prefer who she is, other than hope she get well on her nose prob.

8. If he/she becomes your enemy, you will:
- Lol. impossible lah, cos i never treat anyone as enemy.. if really must answer, then ignore her only loh.

9. If he/she becomes your enemy, the reason is:
- Erh... betrayed me? I hate people who betray their bestie, so dun betray me... >:D

10. The most desired thing you would like to do for him now is?:
- Hope she can get results with winged colors.. :) and she always be happy, cos i see she cry before mah..

11. Your overall impression of him/her:
- A caring little girl who always very outgoing.. sunshine girl? lol dunoe what to describe that xD

12. How do you think people around you will feel about you:
- Lazy bustard >_<

13. The character you love about yourself is:
- Friends before self.

14. On the contrary, what character you hate about yourself:
- Time management sucks... same goes for financial... =.=

15. The most ideal person I would like to be:
- Someone who is myself.. cos there's nothing better than feel like urself. :)

16. For the people who cared & liked you say something to them:
- You guys rocks & love you guys forever~ lol :)

17. Pass this quiz to 10 people that u wish to know how they feel about u.
Hey, please do k? Its quite fun though its long. Thanks (:
*1: Cassidy
*2: Yong Jie
*3: Pei Yuan
*4: Cat (DO AGAIN xD)
*5: Aik (he no blog ah =.=)
*6: Zu Xian (anyhw put dun mind ah ;D)
*7: Han Ming (Poly yr 1 classmate)
*8: Joanne Neo (same..)
*9: Yi Wen (Same..)
*10:Yan Li (sec sch fren)

I very little peeps got blog lar.. :x

Who's #2 having relationship with:
- He like someone.. but that person dun like him. :P

Is #9 a female/male:
- female.

If #1 & #10 be together, will it be a good thing:
- OMFG. I dunoe wad's gonna happen.. Cass gonna kill me :(

How bout #3 and #4:
- Why not? The guy's single & girl's single, and moreover she have good impression on him, and he have good impression on her oso. :)

What's #2 studying about:
-NP Life Science.

When was the last time you chatted with #3:
-1 min ago.

What kind of music does # 8 like:
- EL pops, Chinese pops mostly. Some jap songs is not bad for her too.

Does #6 has any siblings?:
- A lot.. i rmb is a lot of siblings.

Will u woo # 3?:
- NO!!! I not gay =.=

How about #7?:
- Still, i not gay =.=

Is #4 single:
- Yeah, but someone in her mind ah... >:D

Surname of #5:
- BAY!!!

What's the hobby of #5:
- Gaming & go out with frens.. he got DoTA clan hor.. :)

#3 studying at:
- NP MMA

Have you tried developing feelings for #8?:
- She is those kinda outgoin girl.. but too bad she dun talk a lot with me too. But i din try as well.

Where does #9 live:
- Near Queen's town/Commonwealth. Take 61 from B.batok will reach de.

What colour does #4 like:
- pink, black.. dunoe liao lol. (real ans: red, white, black =.=)

Are #1 and #3 best friends?:
- good fren lah. Same course nia..

Does #7 like #2?:
- They never met..

How do you know #2:
- Sec 1~2 classmate

Does #5 have a pet?:
-nope.

Ok. Found a lot of crap peeps & put their name in.. dun come & find me for revenge.. i dunoe anythin... xD

[END OF QUOTE]

Apparently, I found this long lost test.
Reading everything again,
I almost teared.
I am controlling myself,
At this very moment.
I am.
If it was my blessing that had cause all these fissures,
If it was because of my one wrong word I caused these cracks,
I'm really... traumatized...

Fate had pulled a great prank on me... so great that I had been hurt deeply in my lone soul.

2008-06-09T19:32:00.000+08:00

After today, it'll be new life.
I don't know what does it mean,
but probably it's good, I guess.

Maybe just a shift of my attention could do some good..
Well, leave it I guess.
Since nothing much can change the past anyway...
No, nothing can change that...
Which is why regrets came about.
Which is why I could cry just by thinking bout it.
Which is also why... I can never get over it.
Eventhough it's something I can never change,
Eventhough it's something that will be in my memory,
Eventhough it's something belongs to the past...

Many told me Ill get depression if I goes on like this,
But well...
This is probably the only way to make myself feel alive, I guess.
Anyway, I maybe goofy at times,
But like Aileen said:
I think much in depth than most people,
And probably like they told me as well...
I should stop placing others before self...
But I wouldn't.
Cos it'll not be me.

Many thanks to whoever had wanting to spend time with me,
Cos I treasure those moments.
Apparently, special thanks to Manda,
Since I made her wallet bleed so much...
And she loan me so many books. :p
What can I say?
Giddens rocks our world. Heh. xD

Another one is,
Thanks a lot,
Cass & Yong Jie,
Cos they treated me a huge K-buffet.
Really thanks.

Nevertheless, a regret will haunt me... no, I think I'm haunted by it, since that very day of separation. No matter... Te amo.

2008-06-07T20:02:00.000+08:00

It's just 2 more days,
To my NS.

Sense of loss...
Not because of new life or whatsoever reason...
Just feel a little lost.

Unknowingly, it'd already been 163 days since then.
No, I shouldn't say unknowingly.
I know it'd been this long,
Because I am counting the days.

To cherish is easy, but to cherish one that you really devoted to... it's hard. Really hard.

2008-06-01T13:58:00.000+08:00

Apparently,
I did a mad thing.
But... oh well.
No point bugging bout it anyway.

For Pei Yuan,
It's not like I offended you in anyway.
If you really care of a friend,
then ask yourself,
what had you ever done for him,
and what he did for you.
I'm not asking you or anyone to repay or whatever...
I just want you to know,
Even you had chose to forsake me for your own reason,
Even you wanted to ditch me for certain ending that you're pursuing,
Even if you want to sacrifice me for the sake of an invaluable moment,
I will still,
always,
till the day I die,
remember you... as a friend.
As a friend I truly care of.

To her,
Whether did you read it,
I don't know.
But I reckon you know who wrote it.
It's just the last thing I wanted to tell you...
Before I go into NS.
Yeah... it'd been 5 months & 3 days...
Still,
You're the apple in my eye.
Always.

Sometimes, certain things will never change... not even the flow of time & the eradication of memories could change it.

2008-05-27T18:26:00.001+08:00

Him & Her.
Something that cannot be forgotten.
It's not that I don't want to forget...
It's just that...
Afterall,
Memories are story of our past.
Sweet moments...
Bitter experiences...
Tears that I watch you shed...
Laughters that we all shared...
It's not something worthy to said as "valuable".

Not that it's worthless.
It's because that it worth so much...
I can't bear to let go.
Even if it means sorrow & regrets when I rewind these scenes,
I will never let it go.

Sometimes, not everything changes.
Some of it will never change...
Even after thousands,
ten thousands of years,
it'll never change.

I'd banished myself into the grip of pain, just because I refused to let go of a painful story -- the story about us, about our moments.