Clawed at my own wound again.
Just because she smiled that way,
Even though I did so much in vain.

I am never meant to be.
From the start, I am but a stepping stone.
I refused to believe,
Yet it can't be any more real than this.

What irony.


Thought I'm having a new start. Ended up it's all but another mirage.

Been almost half a year.
Still poking on that scar that could heal well.

Moving on is supposed to be an option.
Somehow I'm still right here, trapped in the past.
Still fussing on the old little stuffs.
Still lingering on that warmth which had turned cold ages ago.


Self preservation is an instinct, but I'm self-deteriorating. Crave for someone's to be there for me, yearn for just moments of companionship. And then, I stopped wanting those. 

From time to time, I'd wonder:
If being a little selfish is gonna make things better.

Perhaps back then, if only I'm selfish enough to just hold on tight.
Or if only I was selfish enough to not give in.
Even, just selfish enough to not fall into this pit.

I guess those had forged who I am today.
Still bitter about what's over.
Still indulged in what had became impossible.

Still trapped in this endless loop of reminisce.


If I've spent 3 years of my life on you, will I need another 3 years to get over you?

So it's over.
I guess there was never a place for me, after all.

It's just, so painful.
So frustrated.
I can't even describe it anymore.


So much for thinking effort makes it work. It never did, and never will.

I saw it.
She didn't even reveal to her friends.
That darn smiley came from thousands of miles away.
Yet not a word was mentioned.

Perhaps things had changed.
Or even, it had always been the same.
I just turned a blind eye to it. 

I felt so bad for myself.
So bad that I don't even know why am I doing this.
So bad, that I don't know what to feel anymore.


Time didn't change anything. It just made you used to me, being around your side. 

Perhaps I can't get used to bring around couples.
Or rather, I can't gracefully watching events that happens over and over again.
Events that I yearned for, so much.

It's not their fault.
It's just me.
I'm just, not being an adult.
Just not being mature enough to see all these.


Perhaps it would be better if I walked alone. 

It's been a while since my last one.
I guess I'm just getting used to things now.
Not like worrying bout it gonna bring solutions anyway.

Last parcel sent, so I should be done now.
3 years. It's not even half of the duration.
But I'm worn out.

Tired of so many things.
Just hoping that my vacation is gonna refresh stuffs up.


Is this the turning point? I don't know. No one ever does.

People are moving on.
Old friends getting married one by one,
And some is already on a different phase of life.

Yet, here I am.
How many 10 years do I have to bet on my life?

Perhaps one day, I will learn my worth.
On the wake after my last breath.


Such fatal commitment. A foolish attempt.

Sure it ain't easy.
Every time I had a breather, she came into my mind.
So tell me, how do I move on?



Deep inside in the corner of my mind, I'm attached to you.

Another 2 days and it's 11th September.
Then it'll be 3 years since I started my courtship.

And here I am,
Dwelling on the fact that she can never be with me for now.
Only to find out that I sunk far deeper than I thought.

Well, that's it.
7 years to go to hit that 10 years mark.
Let's see how will I fare.


"I'll take you if you're not married when you hit 30 years old, deal?"

People come and go.
Those who're fated to be, will stay.
Those who aren't, will leave.
No matter what happened.

I guess that if she had been staying despite all these,
It's fair for me to keep going.
It's painful, over and over again.
But that is life.

As for the new-found stranger,
I did all I could.
That's how far we go.


"All meetings begin facing separation. Even so, humans want to live beside someone." Yuyuko Saigyouji

It's ironic.
I remember almost everything that you said.
But none prevented you from leaving.

And there you are,
As if nothing had happened between you or anyone else.

But I know.
I am no longer there in your life.

So be it.
I wish you the best.


People come and go. It's a choice of both to stay together, but the decision of one to leave another.

Perhaps I expected too much.
Perhaps I should had speak up more.
Perhaps I could told her about what I did.

But it's all too late now.

Fade away.
As I could see our future no more.


Shattered pieces of hope, still trying to pull itself together. And then, it crumbles into dusts, leaving trails of what I remember as past, writing part of my story known as "Once my loved".

If I risk it all,
Could you break my fall?


Light's out. End is imminent.

Slowly as time passes by,
I started to get consumed by these negative emotions.
I know that I'm not on the right track,
But is it even possible for me to be on one, even?

And I wanted some slack from these torment,
But all it did was nothing but more.


Tumbling in the wake of so much sweetness that doesn't belongs to me only made things harder. All I taste were the bitterness for being at the edge of happiness.

In the end, I can't even find someone to talk to.
Holding on to these tears, biting my lips.
But all that coming into my mind,
Are just bitterness.

In this grim isolation,
I just wanted to cry.


Self destruction crept my shadows, eroding my will as I held on. And one day, I may be the trigger who deliver a swift end for this pathetic life.

Can't stop thinking it's my fault.
Though I guess it's all just a delusion.
Is it me that's making people go away?
Or is it just wrong to express emotions?

I just don't know anymore.


You were the one that told me not to stop loving. 

In the end, it doesn't even matter.
I'm still the trash can.

Blame it all on me.
Just on me.
Even when I don't know shit.
Just blame it all.
To me


So much for the bond. And it only measured to be such futile effort after all these time. 

I have 2 weeks to fix this.
Ever wonder if I'm just another passerby,
Or I actually meant something to her.

15 days of counting down.


If there's space between my thoughts, you're the one who came into my mind. Is that enough to be a reason?

If only the same happened to me.
So much for the "if".

All that I am capable now are just putting these envious feelings to rest.
For I, am not fated to be just like them.


If only I could live without emotion, in this world of isolation.

Her answer is obvious. I don't have to try anymore.
Still, I had to do it with baby steps.
Because that just mean that I will be back on myself again.

Me, and only myself.

I yearn companionship. Much more than before.
But I know there are many things that can't be forced upon.

So, let me decay away in my isolation.
Until perhaps, a salvation intervene.

Sometimes I do wish certain people would eventually read all these though.
After all this is the only place that I can speak from the bottom of my heart.


I've tried too much, and this is probably the last part of this ordeal.

It had been a while since then.
Even now, I don't think that she's even trying.
Should I continue on this path?

Logic told me no.
But I knew that is not my answer.


The same stubbornness, same person, and it just repeats. Or not?

It's strange.
When I became honest, and people changes.
Was it really bad to express one's true emotion?
Was it my fault?
I don't know, I don't really know.

Everything was destined to happen in a certain way.
If her puzzle piece did not fit into mine, then I guess that's it.

Still, it's a regret.
I thought that I could tell her everything.
But that's how it ended.


Perhaps people learn through mistakes, but when they do, they lost something in return. And that, often is one of the regrets in their life.

I always knew that I'm a lone wolf.
But I guess enjoy being alone still has it's limit.

Probably deep inside,
I still crave being loved.


Always thought that I'm fine by myself. How wrong am I. 

I knew this is the end.
I just couldn't accept it.

So much for a remedy, so much for a possibility.
And I'm just yet another tragedy.


Creeping thoughts began haunting me again, and again, for I have little faith remaining to resist these dark screams.

Well, guess I still messed up.
After all, I'm still an amateur when it comes to relationships.
I could never express myself properly.
In the end, I'm but part of where these empathy goes.

So much for "you're too nice".

I think my emotions are still running volatile.
So volatile that it could just collapse any moment.


After all that, again I'm back to this nameless emotion, running amok and rampaging relentlessly.

I have no idea how it will turn out.
But this is probably it.

I'm afraid of what's going to be the worst.
But I don't really mind anymore.
If it keeps going, it's just going to be the same again.
I don't want it to be that way anymore.

So for just this once, please, answer my call.


Anxiety, fear, hope, and all kinds of mixed feelings, because this is my underlying emotion.

I thought I'm out of that mess since then,
But all that proved myself wrong.
I still crave warmth.
I still desire hugs.
I still want kisses.

I still thirst for this emotion known as "being loved".


"I got over it. Probably." is just a delusion. Cracks and fragments are permanent.

A brief news near her place,
But I panicked for a moment.

Is composure that important right now?
Or am I just trying too hard to contain these emotions?

Perhaps she exceed the level of importance that I thought she were.


Flustered a moment for you, yet glitters are all it made to me.

It was all along just mere thoughts of her,
But it sprung strange distaste when someone called her "baby".

I need to work on myself, really.
I'm still immature when it comes to this.
....
Or did I already got caught in yet another web?


If my affections had already changed, then all along had it been just me who is trying to hold on to an unrealistic dream?

Perhaps it's for the best when you didn't say anything in the end.
But you did.

It's strange that every little things now still stirs me up.
Even now, I don't know what are these emotions.
Only time would tell.

Only time.


Moving forward, easy as it sounds, but it's never easy with bombardments of various emotions.

It had been a while,
And I bet most would probably think I've gotten over it by now.

All I can say that the feelings still haunts me.
Someone told me that, there might not be a name for these emotions,
I think she's right.


Still haunted by these nameless emotions.

Trying my hardest to be normal,
But I just can't.

It had been over a week,
And all it did just cut it deeper.
Now, I'm barely holding on.

But it just wouldn't stop.


Withering will strays no further, until lights of hope shines upon, or, devoured by darkness.

The bitter feeling that I still need someone around me.
I guess I'm just using this story telling to feel better.

I'm never strong.



Still volatile. Still screaming. Still crying. All, in silence.

Three hundred and fifty days of lies.
And an indescribable emotion rampaging through my heart.

Perhaps I don't even know what else I could do.


I never knew the existence of such dark, saddening yet rampaging emotion. Until today.

Guess I kinda got relieved now.
I don't even know what had really happened,
But somehow, it just did.

I didn't want to explain anymore.
I thought you would understand, but it didn't happened.
I thought I could amplify my resolve if I just endure, but the damage amplified instead.
And I thought that, for once, I just want to tell you how I felt, deep inside.

But it backfired.


It's neither the instantaneous pain nor the feelings of helplessness that haunts me, but the lingering emotions of my care being incinerated into nothingness. 

I'm really tired of this.
When I took a dire hit from you,
And you didn't even falter.
When I shattered my insignificant expectation of you,
And you didn't even noticed.

So who am I to you?


The critical point is getting breached, but you still remain blinded by your facade. 

I didn't know how to react at that moment.
I turned quiet.
I didn't know what to reply.

And then I realized, I cried a little inside.
Because your answer just vindicated my little expectation.
Without a trace.


Over and over again, in agony, yet rising and trying again, in eternity.

It'd been over more than 2 years.
Somehow it felt like, you might not be who I know you for.
I made a promise to myself that regardless of what you become,
I will stand by you.
But...

I wonder if this would last.


Decaying faith had proven to me that I am not as strong as I thought I could be.

Somehow, I'm glad that there is someone who felt my worthiness is sturdy enough.
Although it had been a while, but as Christmas approaches, my thoughts grew heavier.
I don't even know if I am someone of importance to her.

She didn't remember my birthday.
She has yet to be the one who make initiation.
She did not tell me, what am I to her.

I wonder, how long until my faith expires.


Day after day, these wishes fade. Night after night, my will began losing sight.

"I still misses you."


It had been a month. And it only gotten clearer. 

Maybe Deon is right.

Again, I read our conversation.
Again, I strayed into that space.
Again, I whispered your name.
Again, I remembered that pain.

And there will be more of these repetitions ahead.
Because I couldn't forget that night of your bane.


Nightfall in the car, always reminded me of you in my heart.

Let this be the final fight,
For I will stray from your side, just like a kite.
These feelings shall be like a dimming light,
And fade away, from that fateful night.



I have no right to care for you, for I am not worthy of you.

"You know, it's not exactly easy for me to put you off my mind every moment I have.

Ever since that confession, you had been (uncontrollably) appearing all the time in my head. In fact, I don't even know what I should do at this point.

Maybe I'm just messed up, not knowing what to do, and hence choosing to ignore these facade of mine. Maybe I'm just afraid, afraid of how to face you after all these happened.

I know, I know you're definitely affected by what I did now... but I'm even more afraid of hurting you over time. It's scary, and I'm sure you know how that felt. "

And after all these, I couldn't make myself send this message to you.
I am still afraid. Afraid of the damage I could possible caused you. Afraid of the hope that I might shatter. Afraid of everything that could hurt you.

In the end, I couldn't even take that risk. Especially when it involves you.


Perhaps, I am afraid of facing the truth. 

I guess I definitely care too much.
But... it's probably better this way.
Rather than being involved with me,
You are better being free.


I didn't made the choice, but I'm glad you did.

I tried to care less,
And I always ended up doing more.


Will everything stays the same? Or it had already turned into the worst that I could ever imagined?

The time is ticking.
Counting down to this unknown ending.


This is the origin. All answer lies here and all will cease here.

Overthinking.

About one who I couldn't even think of how fast time flew by when she's with me.
And one who I almost couldn't resist the urge to kiss her forehead and tell her how much I care.


I wonder, does time decides the outcome of this? Relentlessly, I couldn't stop thinking.

I'm starting to change, bit by bit.
And strangely, I'm only beginning to felt the changes, like now.
Perhaps as I see more, I'll learn more,
And I'll be more mature, compared to back then.

But will the regrets still be there?
Definitely, just not here to hold me back.
Perhaps, this is what I should be, what I should have been.


It all felt so natural, yet I am willing to accept these once-so-annoying changes.

Why should I care of how you thought of me?
None should.

The circumstances with you may be inevitable,
But that does not mean that your image of me is of importance to me.

After all, only a handful of those who I care of matters.


Life is mostly about those who you care the most. If everyone around you matters, then you are not living your life.

Not a single person is the same as another,
Then why is it wrong to have a different approach of communication?
If you can't communicate,
Then is it so hard to just be harmonious?


Your attitude to me is just plain disturbing.

The night of you crying in the car with me,
Became a moment that I can never forget.


These strange feelings of seeing your sadness flow... 

Seems like things are just straying off in the wrong way nowadays.
I think I need to fix my thoughts up and steer it clear now.

If she is not for me, then I shall not let her be one who haunts me.
And I must get rid of this facade to move on.


I thought I am strong, but I am nothing but just a weakling, trying to alter fate in the hard way.

I tried to search for reasons to keep you, desperately.
But I only ended up with even more to leave you.


This trial had gotten far too painful to be one. 

Such an eventful month,
And there it comes with a nice migraine.
Excellently done.

Shit happens in piles,  never in singular.


Fatigue catching up again. Will my mind withstand these impacts, or will it again, crumble into ruins?

I am so close in making the mistake of pulling someone in.
And even for now, I am still dangerously misleading her.
I'm in luck that there is something that is restraining her, for now.
But how long will this restrain hold?

I do not know.

At least I know that, even if it's just a little bit, she felt my pain.


The right time, the wrong person, the strange settings and lastly, her tears.

Was flipping through the old pictures, and I found it:
A screenshot of her reminding me that she still can't commit to us yet, because of the distance,
And also because of closeness.

I'm pretty sure that it's a signal.
A signal that it's over.


Such irony for fate to arrange everything and lead me to an ending that I wished would never come true. And it is, indeed, an end.

I am just being delusional about being someone in her heart.
Perhaps I am just someone, but never the irreplaceable one.

It's all coming down to when will I face this craggy reality,
And that, will be the day which I will be again, enfeebled.


Entangled with you is never a mistake. It is mine, that I had failed to win you over from the bottom of your heart.

I wonder how long had it been since I started wanting to hug something to sleep.
Or should I say.... "someone"?

Every single moment from you gifted to me, I treasured it like never did.
But realizing that I am nothing but a friend who dotes on you,
It's just too much for me. Way too much.

Deep down inside, I wished for just that warmth from you,
But now, it became desperation.


Crumbling faith, eroded slowly by disappointments. Again, and again.

The perseverance had been burnt out,
I am already losing sight of the future that I once desired.
I don't know if it's too late,
But it's all up to you now.

I have no longer the faith to stay as how I once could.


No more faith in my heart, as all were cindered to ashes.

Perhaps that very day 2 years ago, had I decided to take you for myself, it will never be in such pathetic situation.
And now, I'm just plain torn.
Torn by these uncontrollable thoughts, raging through my restless mind.


I cried the same name, over and over again... only to realize, it fell on deafed ears.